This past week Kennon spoke to STUMO students in Destin, FL, and I was invited to spend some time with the ladies doing a little Q/A about being a wife and mom, discipleship in the home, and ministry with Kennon. They asked some great questions which I tried to answer a little more fully here.
We know there is no formula for discipleship, but are there some foundational goals you always have for the girls you disciple?
There is no one-size fits all formula because every woman is unique in her gifts, struggles, season of life, and maturity level. However, I do try to make sure each woman I spend time with grows in several important areas.
a) Quiet time – what it can look like and consistently experiencing one
b) Prayer – ACTS style (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication), we have times of intercessory prayer and often do popcorn praise
c) Inductive Bible Study – Observation, Interpretation (how to use commentaries, dictionaries, maps, etc) Application
d) Goal Setting- life mission/ vision, short, and long term goals
e) Scripture Memory – discuss what accountability “with teeth” looks like for her
f) Accountability – experience times of confession and repentance
g) Evangelism – confident in how to share and actually doing it
h) Discipleship – defined and how it becomes a way of life
i) Spiritual Gifts Test/ Serving in local church
j) Missions – I use Voice of the Martyrs, WORLD, and Operation World to know how to pray for current foreign issues and believers around the world
This is not an exhaustive list but includes what I believe are some of the foundational components of discipleship.
How long do you disciple a girl?
There isn’t a hard line. I consider the girl’s maturity, season of life, and our chemistry. I would shoot for a minimum of 9-12 months with a young lady; it takes time to develop trust and a level of vulnerability, which is vital for a close relationship. I have experienced a three-year discipleship relationship, and the sweetest blessing in that context is you get to be a part of great maturity and major victories that can only happen over time. Another gage for how long to disciple someone is how well she knows you! In 2 Timothy 3:10-11 Paul tells us that Timothy knew all about Paul’s way of life. He had spent enough time with Paul to know Paul’s teaching, his conduct, his aim in life, his faith, his persecutions, and how God rescued him.
Before beginning a discipleship group or relationship, I always set clear expectations for what I’ll ask of her in this growth process and make sure she is willing and able to commit. We also set a clear timetable for how long we’ll be meeting. After that time period ends, we evaluate what the next best step is for her.
After discipling girls for years, how do you “keep up” with them all?
I got great advice from Jani Ortlund on this. However many girls you are discipling, you are “all there” for them. After their season with you is done, they should know you will always be a resource and encouragement for them. However, now the majority of your time will be with the next girl/s God brings into your life. You must be fully invested in whoever you are currently discipling.
What advice would you give a woman in her single season?
Make the most of it! 1 Corinthians 7:34 says, “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband.” When you are married, your priorities are God, husband, children, and then ministry. When you are single, you are free for the most part to serve God without responsibility to anyone else. I’ve never forgotten reading, “If you want to serve Christ, stay single; if you want to be like Christ, get married.” There is a lot of truth in that statement!
I would also tell single women to be intentional about learning from godly, married women, so when you marry one day, it’s not a major life change. You’ve already seen submission fleshed out in a marriage. You know how to manage a home and care for children. Educate yourself in how to budget, grocery shop, and clean. Practice hospitality now. Be serving and growing in a local church. What a crown you will be for a husband one day! Proverbs 31:4 says, “She does him good and not harm ALL the days of her life.” This insinuates before she has even met him, she is guarding her purity and building her character, her reputation, and her skills, all of which will be of great honor to her future husband.
Your husband travels to speak locally, nationally, and internationally. Do you go with him? How do you handle his schedule?
Most of the time when he travels I hold down the fort at home since we have three little ones. He always discusses any speaking opportunities with me, and he has boundaries to protect our family time. He is crazy about our boys, and they get lots of daddy time. We also feel strongly about making sure we keep a weekly date night for the health of our relationship. Something else that has been helpful is syncing our calendars each week to make sure we’re on the same page. This really helps us avoid miscommunication and unfair expectations. One of my main roles is to manage our home and make sure it's a place he can't wait to come home to whether he's just been at the office or abroad!
What does it look like to disciple your kids?
There are different seasons of discipling children. A great book on the topic is Family-Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham. We use several resources with our small children. The Truth and Grace Memory book is great for catechism. It’s amazing what sponges little minds are. We spin a globe at night, and the boys get to put their finger on a country that they then pray for. I use Voice of the Martyrs (free publication) to show them pictures of people in other countries that need our prayers. We also have some great children’s’ Bibles (Rhyme Bible, Jesus Storybook Bible, Read Aloud Bible Stories). Hide Em In Your Heart and Seeds Family Worship are fun upbeat albums for kids that help them learn scripture. Treasuring God In Our Traditions by Noel Piper is a wonderful book at bringing Christ into not only special holidays but into everyday family traditions that reflect Him. Kennon and I have special prayers we pray over each boy every night before bed. I go through 3-4 scriptures that they have memorize just by hearing me pray it over them regularly. By God’s grace we try to be sensitive to teachable moments throughout the day, and we hope they experience and see the gospel daily simply by being with us (Deuteronomy 11:18-21).
What has discipleship looked like in the different seasons of your life?
A few examples…When I was a senior in college I discipled a group of six girls. I wrote the study, met with them as a group and individually once a week. It took a LOT of time. But I was single, ministry was a priority, and it was very rewarding. During my single, professional career, I met after work or on the weekend for coffee with a young girl, and we read through Watchman Nee’s Sit, Walk, Stand while inductively studying Ephesians. As a wife and new mom, I met one night a week, every other week with two ladies and on the in-between weeks, we met for “dinner and doctrine” with Kennon and the young men he was discipling which was a lot of fun! After I had two children, I led a discipleship group once a week in the mid-morning while the oldest was at Parent’s Day Out and the baby slept. We went through a Precept John study I had already done. Discipleship is never convenient or easy; it requires giving up one of our most precious commodities, time. The beauty of it is that helping someone else grow in Christ inevitably matures you at the same time.
Anther point I want to make is that most of the time I’ve been able to maintain a “continual flow,” pouring out as I’m poured into. However, in some seasons having someone who was investing in me and having a group of women I was pouring into came at different times. As a newlywed, I experienced a lot of change in a new city with a new role, and I didn’t know many people. There was a woman who discipled me specifically in how to become an excellent wife. It was a season of being poured into until the Lord brought younger women into my life. Also, with my third baby coming barely 15 months after the second, I took about a year off from discipling girls. My kids and husband needed every ounce of energy I could muster. When the youngest turned 6 months, the Lord begin to stir my heart with a longing for discipleship ministry. Discipleship is intentional but not forced. It is motivated by a longing to help people know, grow, and experience the gospel! Always remember to pray that God’s sovereign hand would open your eyes to the women He places in your life!
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